Seven things I learnt while watching Game of Thrones for the very first time

Lesson one: do not watch Game of Thrones in an office environment

Game of Thrones has dominated the pop culture conversation since 2011.

It's made dragons a legitimate topic of conversation, transformed the likes of Kit Harington and Emilia Clarke into household names and prompted dedicated fans to populate endless Reddit threads with outlandish theories. Yet somehow, I've managed to avoid watching a minute of the HBO hit.

When it comes to insight into the world of Westeros, I know less than Jon Snow (ironically, this catchphrase is about the only Thrones quote I do ​know...) and with the eighth and final season on the horizon, it seemed like the perfect time to immerse myself in some critically acclaimed fantasy content.

Here's what I discovered (spoiler alert: there were far fewer dragons and far more bad northern accents than I'd anticipated)...

Game of Thrones: TV Series - In pictures

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​This show is the definition of NSFW

You've never pushed the definition of 'not safe for work' to its limits until you've tried to watch Game of Thrones on one half of a two-screen desktop set-up​ in a busy office. Admittedly, there are very few prestige TV shows that are ideal to watch in a working environment, but the first 15 minutes of this series opener features stabbings, beheadings and even a gratuitous reindeer corpse. Later on, there's plenty of nudity (almost entirely female - it's hardly a surprise that the show has prompted a flurry of think pieces on its presentation of gender) and even some incest.

Scheming: Cersei Lannister may be mean, but she has great hair
Sky Atlantic / HBO

All in all, it's hardly ideal viewing material for the average place of work. And speaking of work...

HR proceedings are brutal in Westeros

Seriously. ​The first scene is a textbook case of bad people management and adverse work conditions, as one bullish Night Watchman goads his colleague into confronting what can only be described as a frostbitten horror film doll, all in the name of "following the rules." The outcome? His colleague gets brutally murdered - and he gets his head chopped off for disobedience anyway. Justice is rough in Westeros and job contracts are, presumably, signed in blood.

It’s grim up north

Grim: Brown is the defining colour in Winterfell
HBO

The north-south divide is real. Where Winterfell has decapitated peasants, grotty fur hoods and fifty shades of brown, King’s Landing is home to vast gold buildings and great hairdressers (so it seems – bar Daenerys, Cersei and twin brother Jaime Lannister have the best hair in Westeros). Admittedly, the far higher instances of a. incest and b. poisoning have probably caused its ranking in the Seven Kingdoms’ Quality of Living Index to take a dive.

​It's British actor bingo

To watch Game of Thrones is to be consumed by a lurking sense of déjà vu as you attempt to identify an ever-increasing line-up of British character actors. There’s Alfie brother-of-Lily Allen as a know-it-all hanger-on to the Starks. There’s Roger Allam, the kindly Inspector from ITV’s Endeavour, as an intricately bearded advisor who keeps putting his foot in it with the Targaryens. There’s even the Bodyguard (aka Richard Madden) as Jon Snow’s brother.

​Things don't look good for Sean Bean

Doomed: Things don't look good for Sean Bean's character
HBO

They never do, do they? Even if Bean didn't ​have a reputation for constantly being killed off on screen, it wouldn't be hard to see that his character's days are surely numbered. There's the fact that dead bodies keep being found on his side of the Wall in strange crop circle-like shapes, for one (surely never a good omen) as well as his new gig as the King's Hand, a role which doesn't exactly seem to go hand in hand with a high life expectancy. Probably best not to become too attached, then.

​Richard Madden is a dead ringer for CBBC's Raven

Lookalike: Richard Madden bears an unlikely resemblance to a CBBC character
HBO

​Viewers of a certain vintage might remember Raven, the taciturn northern bloke who helmed the children's fantasy adventure series of the same name. We can't confirm whether Madden - who plays the eldest Stark brother, Robb - is familiar with said fantasy adventure series, which mainly involved a string of pre-teen participants falling off an obstacle course while Raven looked on disparagingly, but his character certainly shares a similar love of furry capes and monosyllables.

Joffrey is the worst

​The evil smile, the bowl cut or the blatant sense of entitlement: how do we count the ways in which this diminutive character makes our skin crawl? Thankfully, he only gets about two minutes of screen time in this first episode, but it's already clear to see that Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) is definitively the worst (Daenerys' creepy brother is a close second).

​The final season of Game of Thrones airs on April 14 in the US and on April 15 in the UK.

In pictures | Game of Thrones Premiere

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