A property swap isn’t so mad really

I returned home to my North Kensington flat this week to find a neighbour had posted a flyer through my door offering a "mutual flat exchange". "One-bedroom flat on Ladbroke Grove, balcony, high ceilings, spacious. I am looking to exchange for a one-bedroom flat or possibly a studio flat."

This was a no-no because I have a three-bedroom flat, so clearly I would have been left out of pocket. But the idea of moving house without having to pay burdensome fees, stamp duty and capital gains tax is sorely tempting.

Why bother to enrich the Exchequer and estate agents when you don't have to? French anarchist Pierre Joseph Proudhon said property is theft. Not when you can exchange it for free, it ain't.

With prices tumbling, perhaps the time has come to opt out of the conventional property game. I am privileged to own two flats, however I am an accidental landlord rather than a rapacious Rachman. When I got married, I couldn't bear to part with my bachelor pad for sentimental reasons, so I kept it on. Both flats are now the bane of my life.

The first one I bought has subsidence (it's been underpinned twice, the insurance is extortionate); the second has had a leaking roof for six years.

Every day I feel assailed by the elements. That's not to mention the sleepless nights. What happens if a future government imposes more punitive taxes on landlords?

I know. I should get a life. Or exchange both flats for a non-leaky, sturdy yurt in Asia.