Ben Machell blames Ronaldo for setting the body bar too high

I’ve been thinking a lot about male body image. Specifically, my own. I’m not totally sure why although, if I’m being honest, it probably began around the time I started following Cristiano Ronaldo on Instagram. Bad move, following Ronaldo, a man who amasses and displays abs with the same demented intensity that my gran amasses and displays willow pattern crockery.

Still, I check my phone every morning and there he is, oiled up, sneering, making me feel pale and puddingy no matter how hard I flex in the bathroom mirror. I never used to feel like this. Never used to think about my physique at all. But thanks to Ronaldo, those guys who stand outside Hollister and (apparently) male porn stars, a growing number of men are feeling like this. It’s a shame, but things won’t improve if we remain too proud to discuss our physical insecurities. So, with this in mind, here’s a full audit of my bodily imperfections. Apologies in advance.

Right, okay. Hair: going grey. Always liked the idea of grey hair, but now that it’s happening I’m having second thoughts. It only draws more attention to my head, which is freakishly large and makes me look like a fleshy Frank Sidebottom. One of my front teeth is dead — got knocked out when I was 15 and crudely wedged back in — so is gradually going black. Looking forward to that.

My torso? Bit weird. Almost entirely smooth, except for round my nipples, which are circled by ratty tassels of hair I now feel obliged to wax off before taking my toddler swimming. It’s funny, the things that scare kids. Physically, I seem to have achieved the Gollum aesthetic of having both visible ribs and a distended belly. Moving south, I have come to terms with the fact I have the kind of pronounced, meaty arse that would send Kanye West into a trance, while my legs are bandy, bow-shaped and — get this! — thick with hair. Mad, right? My girlfriend says it makes me look like ‘one of those goat people’. I think she means a satyr from Greek mythology. And she would be correct. But you don’t see many of them on the cover of Men’s Health, do you?

So that’s me. Oh, I think I also might have a verruca on my right foot, but would need to double check. Quite cathartic, that, actually. I feel better just for sharing.

Follow Ben on Twitter @ben_machell

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